Infertility Survival Guide
In The Meantime -
“We can stop waiting for life to become perfect and start working with what we’ve got to make it as satisfying as we can. We can accept, bless, give thanks, and get going. Today, we can begin to call forth the riches from our everyday life. Today, we can move from lack to abundance.” by Sarah Ban Breathnach, author of “Simple Abundance”.
A while ago, I was talking to my cousin Elly, a beautiful 35 year old, very successful woman who had not yet met a man that she wanted to marry. Yeah, there were many guys that liked her, but none that she felt would make a good life partner. Our talk stuck with me and while I was walking through a bookstore soon after our conversation, a book titled “In The Meantime”, by Iyanda Vanzant, caught my eye. It is written for people that are single and waiting for love to strike. I bought it with the intent to send to Elly, but when started reading it, I realized that the feelings of being isolated, different, not good enough, less of a woman/man, not complete, etc. etc. were similar to the emotions of people experiencing infertility. Moreover, the waiting period between singledom and marriage is very much like the waiting time that infertile couples encounter. They wait and wait and wait till their man/woman/ baby comes along and then, and only then, do they believe their life will begin. I asked myself if that stopping of life and putting happiness on hold is one way to deal with the crisis of infertility. Although I know it is normal, I did it myself and my clients tell me, they do it too by not going to parties, watching TV or shopping at malls. Even though this withdrawal is common, it is probably not the best way of coping. Therefore, I propose that there are things to do that might be healthier for you than watching time pass by as you wait between infertility and resolution. But before I get into some of those ways, let me say that I understand that there will be days when the best thing to do, the only thing to do, is give into the depression and grief that infertility can bring. Staying in bed or on the couch in your pajamas can be a healthy way to get through. It is sort of like the days when you have a bad cold and take a sick day. Using those days of rest as a Sabbath- a day of salvation, away from the fertile world that sometimes does not understand what you are experiencing. However, becoming a full-time infertile woman engulfed in crisis can be damaging to your body, mind, and spirit. Infertility left unchecked can become all you are. Unless...
Unless you expand your vision of yourself, and learn to see beyond your infertility to the loving and caring person, wife, friend, daughter, and sister you are. To do this, you will have to acknowledge the fact that you have changed and work to integrate the old parts of yourself with the new ones. One way to help you do this is by designing a pie chart of who you are. Draw a circle and imagine all the parts of yourself-the roles you play and the traits you possess. Divide the chart into pie pieces with the most important aspects of yourself being the largest. Include any new role or traits that you have developed because of your infertility. Be as honest with yourself as you can. Some women in my groups will draw infertility as the largest piece of themselves with the other roles of friend, sister, wife and worker as being small. Others draw infertility as large but they also include, student athlete, crafts person etc.
Once you have finished with your chart, take a good look at it. Have you found room to be more than an infertile woman? Remember that on different days of your cycle, even different months, and the pie chart will likely change. In addition, recognize that, as you come closer to resolution the chart will change even more. The important thing to remember is that the chart may help you to see a more complete picture of yourself. The parts of yourself that you have put away, that you miss, that you want to reintegrate in your life.Jamie was the first client that I worked with that drew her pie chart. As she allotted different pie pieces for different parts of herself, she remembered how much she loved to paint. Since infertility struck, she had not picked up a brush and she truly missed the artist side of herself. I gave her an assignment to paint a picture of her infertility and the next week she brought in a wonderful piece of artwork. She represented of the crisis by painting a monk dressed in black from head to toe, no face, just a covered body suspended in air and floating on a billowy white cloud in a blue sky. Rediscovering that part of her helped her to feel invigorated again. Jamie’s situation is not unique. Being rejuvenated while in the crisis of infertility can actually happen. However, it probably doesn’t happen as much as it could because women experiencing infertility live mostly in the past (going over what the Dr. said one year ago or replaying what comeback they had for an insensitive coworker) or in the future (thinking about what they will do the day they have a transfer or how they will handle the results of a treatment). Women experiencing infertility hardly ever live in the present moment.You know the feeling of drifting when you are driving and you find yourself at your destination and you do not have a clue how you got there. It can be scary to think that you unconsciously went on automatic pilot. An exercise to help you switch gears and bring yourself back to the present is called focusing. For example, if you experience this straying, take a deep breath and say to yourself, “I am driving in my car. My hands are on the steering wheel; my foot is on the gas pedal. I have the radio on and it is playing____. The windows are down. I can feel the wind on my arm, in my hair. I am wearing my jeans and T-shirt and I have my sneakers on. I was just thinking about my doctor’s appointment, but now I must get back to driving, breathe fully and deeply and look at the road.”
Just this simple act of returning to the present moment and breathing can bring you back into focus and help you enjoy what it is you are doing now,at this moment- not what you are planning to do, or what you have done. In addition, focusing can help you appreciate what you do have in your life in between wanting a baby and actually having one.
Learning to focus is a process that overtime evolves into a true appreciation of the present. You might find that when you try to focus, past or future events will drift in. Simply watch them as they float by your mind, let them go in one ear and out the other. In time, you will sense when you have left the moment and will be able to bring yourself back.
My cousin Elly decided to take advantage of the time she was without a partner and focus on getting herself as healthy and happy as she could. She took a yoga class, created awesome pieces of pottery and bought herself a home on the hills of San Francisco. This summer, she got married to a sensitive and supportive guy and told me recently that if she had not taken advantage of those present moments in the meantime of her life she could have never moved forward and realized all that she is.
Novelist Mary Morris says, “...only we can make sure we will be fulfilled. If we feel empty, no amount of water can fill our well. It has to come from within...” Take this time, while you are in the meantime, and enjoy all that you have, all that you are.
